I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
even my farts smell like vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
