Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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