i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
