I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
