Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we made out on top of his cat.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
