i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
