I will die if light touches me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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