the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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