Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
