my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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