We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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