your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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