There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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