We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
