Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
