i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize