True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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