youre lurking in front of me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
