Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So many bounce houses so little time
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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