happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
