Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
