did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
