Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
