I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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