I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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