Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
