so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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