dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
