on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Success! We fucked roommates!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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