talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
