You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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