sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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