so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's just like the Real World with babies
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
