got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
