some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
