Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
