i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
