roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
