all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
