We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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