she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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