she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
