So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
