I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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