do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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