What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
