he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
worst night to have a conscience
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
