Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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