dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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