also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
