still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my poor anus
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
