i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
