Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
