what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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