DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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