1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
