My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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