Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
